Money and I are not on the best of terms. In fact its more like a really bad marriage. I mean... I like my ex husband more than I like money.
There, I said it.
And predictably, every time I have to deal with money I shut down. I mean why would you want to deal with someone you hate, right?
The result is that I've lived in poverty most of my adult life, and continue to do so now. It's not that I don't like working. I love working, especially when I'm interested in a project. But try to pay me and something weird happens. I feel all icky inside and lose all desire to do the work. In fact I physically shut down and can't do the work. You may not believe this but people who know me have seen it happen over and over again and they'll verify it's true.
And it sucks!
I mean I have to have "some" money, right? And to do the things I want to do I have to have a fair amount, plus I have to have more coming in on a regular basis. But if I can't somehow make peace with money and learn to get along then it's never going to happen.
This hit me pretty hard earlier today as I was thinking about my dreams and realized that if I don't get off my duff they won't happen. I actually cried for a while, but for the life of me I don't know what to do about it.
I've already tried a lot of things to help me have a better relationship with money. I've read tons of books, done hypnosis, undergone all sorts of therapies, done self-improvement stuff, tried healing and energy work, participated in shamanic journeys and ceremonies, prayed, meditated, worked with several coaches, made dream boards, got my apartment all feng shui'd up, and even bought lottery tickets (hey, it could happen).
But nothing so far has really changed things for me. In fact January marked my lowest income month in over two years. And I didn't even care. I just took money out of the savings account to cover the bills and said "oh well."
But I'll be damned if I'm going to spend another year here, still doing what I'm doing and not getting anywhere. Something has to change and in a big way!
I just don't know.....