Friday, March 2, 2012

Kicking depression

My posts of late have been less than sunny, and there's good reason why.

I'm going through this "dark night of the soul" thing, and I'm finding myself falling back into depression.  I hate being in that state!  I lived with severe clinical depression for over 20 years and during that time my life completely fell apart.  I'm not sure if the depression was caused by life falling apart or if life falling apart was a result of the depression.  Probably some of each.  But it's there and even though I've mostly kicked it - it still rears it's ugly head from time to time.

And that's where I've been lately.  Stuck in the mental and emotional sludge that is depression, and desperately using every trick I know to get back out of it.

Why does this matter to you?  It doesn't really.  But this blog is about being authentic, and while I'm not going to post the pages and pages of absolute slime that have come out of me in these past weeks, I do want to share what's going on and why my attitude has tilted precariously toward the dark side as of late.

I want you to know that I WILL get out of this.  I have things to do and places to go and none of it can happen if I'm too tired and depressed to get out of bed in the morning.  But I refuse to be sitting at this same table in this same apartment a year from now, still writing about what I want to do "someday."

No.   Next year this time someday will have arrived, and I'll be writing from my new life, with depression just a faded memory of a past that doesn't matter.

How's that for courage of conviction?!

4 comments:

  1. Yes you will get out of this...but I am not sure it will be within a year...maybe shorter because you know all the tricks.

    I just watched the movie CREATION again and was so inspired - it is about Charles Darwin's depression after the death of his child that opened his up to being able to write Origins of the Species.
    Patricia at Patricias Wisdom

    Do not over look environmental influences....I feel depression lapping at my heels when victims comment suicide because of bullies and yet in the USA we pay Bullies like Limbaugh huge dollars and huge amounts of attention - holding him up to be a powerful role model...what can I do about it?
    Corn Syrup also makes me extremely depressed and caffeine.
    You know what to do...do it all

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  2. I am here to talk-walk-run and have some fun......if that doesn't work.......well, I applaud your will power to move forward.....Chele
    p.s.sorry you are having such a tuff time.

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  3. I feel your pain. I, too, lived with severe depression most of my life until it almost killed me. I had a great shrink for 2 years though who helped me by showing me that life is all about choices and I could choose NOT to be depressed. Now when I feel myself slipping back down into that all too comfortable black hole, I stop myself and try to figure out where the depression is coming from. I then deal with the cause of it. If I can't figure out the cause of it, I start telling myself that I choose to be Joyful and not depressed. Takes a lot of work sometimes, but it does work and keeps me from completely wrapping myself in that dark place. Thoughts and good energy coming your way. We all need a little helping hand now and then.

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  4. Like you, I have many tools from which to choose. Perhaps none more inspiring or engrained than Christopher Reeve. He said, "Fight, fight, fight. Whatever your plight. Fight it. Don't let it win." He inspired millions and even though his life ended after his accident on a treadmill - he was on a treadmill, fighting! Come on out of there Maria. The mind is a scary place to stay sometimes.

    Lots of Love and Sunshiny HugZ,
    Debra

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