One thing about being on this roller coaster of depression is that it alternates between moments of lucidity and emotional upheavals that temporarily suffocate logical thought.
Right now I'm feeling pretty good. I can think logically, get stuff done, make plans, and look ahead to a bright future. When I succumb to depression however, all that goes out the window.
All I can see when in the midst of it is total despair and no reason to live. I believe I have no worth whatsoever, make no contribution to the world, have no gifts or talents, and that no one loves me - or even likes me all that much. In the deepest moments I believe completely that this is true, and if you've interacted with me during those times you've most likely thrown up your hands in defeat because really, there's no changing my mind.
Yes, even in the depths of depression I'm still extremely stubborn!
The good news is that more and more I'm able to see, or rather feel, depression coming on, and sometimes I can even avert it. Those are the wins and when successful I jump up and down and congratulate myself! When I lose however, and find myself deep in that pit once again, I have been noticing that even there something has changed.
Though I'm depressed and really believe the world would be better off without me, there's this other me that stands slightly off to the side and observes it all without getting sucked in. I've written before about watching myself, and I'm finding more and more I do exactly that when in the deepest throes of depression.
This other self is calm. It knows that the mood will pass. It tells me that real as it seems right now, depression is not a true reflection of reality and that I will return to lucidity soon. It sends me messages that tell me to hang on, wait it out, and trust. I reminds me of all the tricks in my bag to help me get out of my funk. It sends me signs and signals - beacons of light I call them. Like a random phone call or e-mail from a friend, just the right quote on FaceBook, the perfect song on the radio, or some other small nudge in the right direction.
Some people would call these signs from God. I used to call them signs from the Universe. But now I know it's my higher self, my healthy and whole self, dropping me a lifeline when I need it most.
Pretty cool huh... I'm finding that my biggest supporter is actually - ME!
Not that I mind the support from all of you... keep it coming! You have no idea how much it helps :)
But it's pretty cool to understand that I am on my side. It's just recently that I truly grasped that concept. I am my own greatest supporter. Wow I really am loved after all!
Peace out... I'm going to have a wonderfully happy, serene and lucid evening :)