Friday, March 2, 2012

Lucid moments

One thing about being on this roller coaster of depression is that it alternates between moments of lucidity and emotional upheavals that temporarily suffocate logical thought.

Right now I'm feeling pretty good.  I can think logically, get stuff done, make plans, and look ahead to a bright future.  When I succumb to depression however, all that goes out the window.

All I can see when in the midst of it is total despair and no reason to live.  I believe I have no worth whatsoever, make no contribution to the world, have no gifts or talents, and that no one loves me - or even likes me all that much.  In the deepest moments I believe completely that this is true, and if you've interacted with me during those times you've most likely thrown up your hands in defeat because really, there's no changing my mind.

Yes, even in the depths of depression I'm still extremely stubborn!

The good news is that more and more I'm able to see, or rather feel, depression coming on, and sometimes I can even avert it.  Those are the wins and when successful I jump up and down and congratulate myself!  When I lose however, and find myself deep in that pit once again, I have been noticing that even there something has changed.

Though I'm depressed and really believe the world would be better off without me, there's this other me that stands slightly off to the side and observes it all without getting sucked in.  I've written before about watching myself, and I'm finding more and more I do exactly that when in the deepest throes of depression.
This other self is calm.  It knows that the mood will pass.  It tells me that real as it seems right now, depression is not a true reflection of reality and that I will return to lucidity soon.  It sends me messages that tell me to hang on, wait it out, and trust.  I reminds me of all the tricks in my bag to help me get out of my funk.  It sends me signs and signals - beacons of light I call them.  Like a random phone call or e-mail from a friend, just the right quote on FaceBook, the perfect song on the radio, or some other small nudge in the right direction.

Some people would call these signs from God.  I used to call them signs from the Universe.  But now I know it's my higher self, my healthy and whole self, dropping me a lifeline when I need it most.

Pretty cool huh... I'm finding that my biggest supporter is actually - ME!

Not that I mind the support from all of you... keep it coming!  You have no idea how much it helps :)

But it's pretty cool to understand that I am on my side.  It's just recently that I truly grasped that concept.  I am my own greatest supporter.  Wow I really am loved after all!

Peace out... I'm going to have a wonderfully happy, serene and lucid evening :)


  1. Suzanne SunfieldMarch 2, 2012 at 9:02 PM

    Maria, thank you so much for writing this piece. I can identify with every word, so much so it could have been ME writing it! I want to tell you that YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE APPRECIATED, and that THE WORLD IS A BETTER PLACE BECAUSE YOU ARE IN IT! Believe me!

  2. Maria,
    This post bothers me very much....I never, NEVER would have guessed this past Sunday evening that this was going on in your life, in your me when I tell you that there are some dangerous signs revealed here in some of your statements! PLEASE, please feel free to call me if you need to talk about have my number.

  3. Bless you dear Maria! Your Twitter postings have been so inspirational and motivating to me over the last year I've followed you. I wish you all the joy you give to other people and more... and that's a lot. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. Maria, you can find your way out of this! I hear the fight in your words.

  5. Got lots of responses to this post, a few here and more on e-mail so I wanted to add this:

    The fact that I can write about depression and share my battle with it means I'm already seeing the light. When I was in the middle of the worst of it - we're going some 10+ years back here - I wasn't emotional, I wasn't having lucid moments, I wasn't doing anything. I was dead inside and just going through the motions, doing the very minimum I had to do each day.

    At that time I didn't believe I was depressed, just under a lot of stress, and no one could convince me otherwise. So the fact that I know it and am experiencing all these emotional ups and downs is huge! It means I'm on the right track!

    Thanks for everyone who responded and offered support, I appreciate it :^)

    And I'll be ok - it will just take a bit more determination and some time.

    Still feeling good today.... let's keep it going!

  6. I know exactly what you mean, Maria! My own blog has been untouched since November because I cannot, for the life of me, find the energy or the will to keep up with it. I've convinced myself it's a waste of time and it will never go anywhere and I can't find a tribe, etc. I basically scrape myself out of bed five days a week and force myself to go to work. I'll have lucid days or lucid moments, but, after nearly four years I am still struggling to crawl out of the gutter of despair, if you will. I am in the early stages of therapy at this time, so my hope is that I'll be able to see a psychiatrist soon. There are way too many things I need to be doing and I'm not doing any of them, thanks to this illness! BUT! I've overcome it before. I can do it again! Thank you for this article!

  7. Hi Arlene, nice to hear from you. I know exactly what you mean about the blog and I have a few out there doing nothing also. I started this one in October because I found renewed energy to write... something I hadn't done in a while.

    For me the turning point came when I made up my mind to get better, no matter what it took! I acknowledged I felt terrible then added "but I'm going to kick this." I looked at it as an almost biological condition - a bacteria or virus to be kicked. Weird I know but having that mindset has helped a lot.

    I even came to the point where I was willing to seek medical help if necessary. If you know me you know this is HUGE, as I stay as far away from the medical establishment as possible! But just the fact that I was "willing" to go there opened my mind to possibilities and I began feeling better.

    I'm doing a lot of self-improvement stuff, working with an alternative doctor, taking a few supplements, following my own advice about Law of Attraction, and working with a couple professionals who are helping a lot. Everything I do puts one more piece in the puzzle and today I'm miles ahead of where I was just a month ago.

    I know you can do it and I know we all can! Life is to be lived and enjoyed... so start living it :)


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