Writing sentences

Back when I was a kid, if you got in trouble in class you had to write sentences.  You know - like "I will not talk in class" 100 times.   Not that I ever had to do this, mind you :)

Anyway, moving up to the present, I'm trying to retrain my mind to focus on positive things rather than negative so I can start making better choices and moving forward toward my dreams.  One of the ways to do this is repetition, and a week or so ago the idea occurred to me that I could kind of burn new thought patterns into my brain by writing sentences.

So I got out a notebook and pen and started writing.  The first day I wrote "I am rewiring my neuro-nets to be more positive."  I wrote it once, then again and again until I'd completed an entire page.  Then I turned the paper over and did the back too.  I did it slowly and with focus, saying the words to myself as I wrote them.  This took a long time and was actually painful at times as my hand started to cramp up.  I just took a short break and started again.

Since then I've written a different sentence every day, and I'm completing 2 sheets of paper front and back for each one.  If I'm feeling especially frustrated or low about something I simply write something like "I can flip this thought or emotion into something more positive" or "I am beginning to see the silver lining here."

Guess what.  It works.  Quickly sometimes and slowly other times but I can definitely sense subtle differences in how I'm thinking and reacting to the world around me.  Try it yourself and see if you notice a difference too.

Cool video about being a vibrational realist

As this journey of transformation unfolds I am hit over and over again by emotional crap that just keeps coming up and derailing me.  Sometimes to the point I spend entire days mired in it and I gotta say it ain't fun.

But I keep plowing ahead, keeping the faith that eventually I'll catch a glimmer of light and emerge from all this so I can finally create a life I want.

Anyway, found this video today which made me feel better so I wanted to share it.  If you're not familiar with Abraham-Hicks then it may not make sense to you.  But if you're in the Vortex, or want to be (which is where I am right now) then you may just like it :)

It will be fine

So this morning I received a call from someone in emotional distress.  I often receive calls like this, as one thing I'm very good at is helping people feel better and see things differently.  Sometimes I joke that instead of Maria the Muse I should call myself Maria the Emotional Fireman.  Or is it Firewoman? That just doesn't sound quite right but either way I'm really good at dowsing those huge, dramatic flames so we can find a place of calm and move toward making things better.

Anyway, during the conversation I found myself saying multiple times different variations of, "it will be fine." I wasn't just blowing sunshine - things really are going to be fine for this person.  In fact I just heard back and things are already looking much better.

It got me to thinking though about how many times I reassure others by letting them know things really will be fine. And it also got me to thinking about how many times I need to hear those words, and yet when I do I refuse to believe them.

• It will be fine, I tell myself, then go on grumbling and allowing my mind to play out worse case scenarios.
• It will be fine, I tell myself as I light a candle, secretly envisioning the entire house in flames.
• It will be fine, I say when taking the car in for a minor repair, while I cringe as a $2,000 bill flashes in my head.
• It will be fine, I say when I feel slighted by a friend, while inside I despair at the thought that our friendship is now over.
• It will be fine, I say when a client cancels an appointment, while I worry they'll never reschedule.
• It will be fine, I say if the bank account comes up slightly short for the month, while I picture myself living under a bridge.
• It will be fine, I say when I think about my RV dreams, while I despair that they will never be reality.

Why is it so much easier to believe it's fine when it's not you?

Probably at least in part because it's so much easier to emotionally detach and see someone else's problems objectively. And also because we don't have negative tapes running through our heads about them, while they seem to run non-stop about us.

So how do you change that?

One thing I do is make saying "it will be fine" a part of my everyday routine.

• When in traffic I tell myself it will be fine and I'll get to my destination on time.
• When I walk into a grocery store I tell myself how fantastic it will be to get everything I need on sale.
• When I wake up in the morning I mentally congratulate myself on a wonderful night's sleep and tell myself I'm going to have many exciting adventures today.
• I tell myself I'm lucky.
• I tell myself things are working out.
• I tell myself the things I want are coming.
• I tell myself I always get what I want.

In short, I take every opportunity to remind myself that life is good and getting better.  As a result, when I do have those moments when I find myself heading to the dark side, I can much easier identify the situation and head it off at the start.

The result?  Things really are much better every single day!  Yes, life really is fine :)

Would you be a stripper?

Over the weekend I was talking with someone about what it takes to reach your dreams.  The people who are the achievers, the ones who seem to have everything they want, are the ones who seem to be able to do whatever it takes to get there.

So let me ask you this: Would you be a stripper if that's what it took to reach your dreams?

If that's what it really would take would you do it?  Upon reflection I have to say I wouldn't.  In fact there are several things I wouldn't do in order to reach my dreams.

• I wouldn't be a stripper.
• I wouldn't prostitute myself.
• I wouldn't sell drugs.
• I wouldn't rob or kill anyone.

In short, I wouldn't do anything that goes against my sense of ethics or compromises my moral fiber.  But is that attitude keeping me from achieving my dreams? Is it keeping you from achieving yours?

It could be.

Because the truth is, there are many things that we refuse to do, not because they're immoral or wrong in the grand scheme of life, but because our own limiting beliefs prevent us from doing them.  Would you for instance...

• Wear a bikini to the beach
• Dance in public
• Wear a way-too-short mini skirt
• Go skydiving
• Talk about sex in front of your parents or even worse, grandparents
• Mow the lawn
• Drive a stick shift
• Let people take your picture when you thought you were too heavy
• Make a phone call
• Walk up to the counter and order an ice cream cone
• Return a library book
• Do a backward flip off a diving board

Yeah, I know some things on that list seem silly and even trivial, but every single one of those items is something that, at one time or another, I refused to do.  Some of them even paralyzed me at one point.  And there are some, like driving a stick shift, that I still haven't conquered.

I wanted to list them though to prove a point:  There are lots of things in life we refuse to do that have absolutely no legitimate or rational reasoning behind them. 

There is no moral or ethical reason to not order an ice cream cone or go skydiving.  There is no reason to refuse to wear a bikini to the beach.  Ok, some people should know better but really - it's personal choice if you want to look like a fool.

It's all about the limits we set for ourselves.  And often these get so ingrained in the fabric of who we are that we forget they are choices and fears we are afraid to face.  What's worse, we begin to think they are written in stone so we end up thinking "that's just how it is." When in fact, it isn't to the rest of the world.

To reach your dreams you have to get beyond those self limitations.  Metaphorically speaking, you do have to be willing to become a stripper - peeling away those limiting beliefs so you can get the things you want in life.  Otherwise you're not going to get there.

Think about it, then decide how much you want those things you've been dreaming about.

Maybe it is time to become a stripper after all :)

Hanging out with the BlackSheep

Earlier this evening I had the pleasure of hanging out with experienced RVer and fellow blogger John, aka BlackSheep.  I've been following John's blog for a while so I know all about his adventures in Arizona last year, but what I didn't know is that he has many years of RVing under his belt, in everything from a truck-camper to rigs bigger than my apartment.  He's already planning his next rig and adventure on the road, which I'm sure will be very interesting.

We had a lot of fun, talking about everything from family to work to our future traveling plans.  Very cool to hear his stories and I learned a lot about life on the road; information which I'll put to good use when my own adventures begin.  And a big hello to all our other blogger friends who we both agree are all really cool folks!

Probably unknown to John, I also got a lot of insights for my own life out of our conversation, which I will blog about soon.  Very good stuff.... I think the final pieces of this puzzle are finally falling into place!

And finally, we both agreed we didn't need any pictures, so we have no solid "proof" or our get together.  We both prefer to be on the other side of the camera, so that worked out just fine.  And that's the end of this little story... catch ya'll later!

Am I really being authentic here?

I haven't had a lot to say the last few days because I've been doing a lot of internal work.  Heavy thinking, pondering, internal struggle, arguing with myself, and in generally living in a state of wild emotional swings, confusion and frustration.

At the worst of it I came to a point where I wanted to take all my websites down, cancel all my e-mail and social media accounts, get off the internet entirely, quit my job, give my few possessions away, and sit on my swing waiting to die. 

But I didn't.  And I also didn't blog.  Well I did actually.  I wrote one post the other day that was so negative and full of crap I took it back down.  The first post I've deleted since starting this blog.

So this morning I got to thinking about whether I'm really being authentic here, or if I'm just paying lip-service to the word?

See I'm known on the internet, and in life too, as someone who is positive, inspires and cares for people, teaches, supports, and all that warm, fuzzy stuff.  And I am all those things.

But there's another side of me too, which isn't so warm and fuzzy.  Truth is I lived with negativity and flat out abuse for so many years that it became a large part of who I am, and it ain't pretty.  Those of you who I've gotten closer to - who I've talked to on a more personal level - have been confused by this dichotomy, and some have even commented that I'm nothing like the person I try to portray on here.  And often I'm not.  I can be negative, get into victim mode, become thoroughly frustrated, throw little tantrums, and be extremely stubborn.  Which again causes me to ask myself: Am I being authentic? 

In reality, all of it is me.  The positive, bubbly, happy side as well as the negative, crappy, life sucks side.  But the thing is I'm trying to get over the negative.  I'm working hard to release the demons of my past so I can create the type of future I want to live.

This takes time and I can't begin to describe the internal struggles I'm going through!  I spent most of Friday night and Saturday morning crying my eyes out, then went on this wild high by Saturday night, and woke up this morning feeling calm and actually lucid for the first time in several days.

This isn't the first time I've gone through this but it sure has been one of the more intense ones!  What's interesting to me though, is that since I've been working so hard on changing my attitude, even in the depths of despair I hear little positive voices in the back of my mind guiding me toward the light.  Also, every time it happens the pit of despair is a little less dark and deep, and the hills of happiness are higher and brighter than before.

I'm going to get this.  I'm going to break through the crap that has become my life, and emerge as the person I know I am deep inside.  I just have to uncover that person, so there may be a few more bumps on the road ahead.  Rest assured I'll be as authentic as I can about what I'm dealing with, and that I KNOW I will come through a much better and happier person for it.

Onward!

Watching myself

As I sit at my computer this evening, I realize that I'm watching myself.  The best way I can describe it is that I'm actually slightly outside of my body, watching myself type these words.  It's a pleasant sensation, and one which I like to repeat as often as I can.

When you watch yourself, you are slightly removed from concrete reality.  You watch your body move but don't feel the movement first hand.  You watch yourself experience emotion but you don't feel particularly emotional.  You watch yourself react to stimuli but at the same time the stimuli isn't affecting you.  You see out of your eyes, but you don't.  And your ears hear but you seem removed from sounds, like they're far away.

Everything is once removed.  Yes, that's it.

Why am I telling you this?  Doesn't it sound a little loopy?  Perhaps, but I think it's important to know that you can watch yourself.  That you can temporarily disconnect from your immediate surroundings and take on the role of a detached observer.  It's especially helpful when under stress or in times of trauma.  In fact this happens naturally in times of great stress, such as when you automatically act when in danger, only realizing later what happened and wondering how you could pull it off.

But to do this at will is also a very useful skill to develop.  It allows you to sit back and see your own story, the lies you tell yourself about what "really is," the misconceptions you have about reality, and the degree that emotions and false beliefs rule your world.  As a watcher you can see all that way more clearly.  As a watcher you can choose differently.  There is great clarity in watching.

I'm going back to doing it some more....

Quietly waiting

For the last few days I've been quietly waiting for something.  What, I am not exactly sure but it is "something" and I know it's near.

A lot has changed in the past week or so. 

People who I thought were my friends have walked out of my life.  Some I expected but others - wow what a surprise!  That left me stunned and hurt, but after the initial shock subsided and the feeling of rejection passed I was left waiting, wondering what is next.

Conversely, people I thought didn't care have stepped up to the plate, reaching out to me.  New friendships are being formed, and old ones going to new levels and for that I am grateful.  Out with the old making way for the new.  Feels like a breath of fresh air, and I'm quietly waiting to see where this leads me.

Issues with money have come to a head.  I have finally admitted that we don't get along, and that something has to change in a big way in order for my life to improve.  Since then I have received support from many places, emotional, practical, and financial.  The words are easy to accept, whether kind words of empathy and support or tell-it-like-it-is, swift butt kicking.  I appreciate both and have given them all serious consideration.  The financial support is much harder to accept, making me actually feel embarrassed and ashamed at times.  For those of you who have helped in this way, it's not your fault.  I - and that's a huge capital I - have a problem accepting money and you are helping me see that so I can get through it.  I thank you all, and right now I'm waiting and watching myself go through all these money gyrations.  Sometimes it's painful, sometimes funny, and all necessary to get to a place where I can finally allow myself to have rather than have not.

I have run out of words to write or say.   People who know me on a more personal level will laugh at this one.  I seem to never run out of words.  But I have, and I've noticed I haven't wanted to talk on the phone much lately, correspond via e-mail like I usually do, chat on my forums and game, or hang out with people.  And for the last few days I've been staring at the computer screen drawing a complete blank when it comes to writing on this blog.  Craziness! I know.  So I'm waiting and watching, ready to jump on the words once they start flowing again.  But until then, I'm not sure what to talk about.

I can feel energy around me. It swirls and sometimes I catch glimpses of faces and snippets of words.  Sometimes the room around me actually shifts as things take form then melt away again into the ether.  I sit calmly observing everything waiting expectantly for a new life and direction to materialize.

I have a sense of certainty, though I have no idea for what.  I feel as if I KNOW certain things will happen, but I cannot name them.  I have very powerful feelings about certain people and the roles we'll play in one another's lives, but I don't know when or how that will happen.  I feel calm, serene, confident that things are changing fast and that one day soon everything will fall perfectly into place.  Not in a rush of activity and huge change, but in a gentle whisper, a soft nudge, a subtle shift. 

Then I will be done waiting and softly, gently stroll right into the wonderful life that awaits.

Until that moment I sit, eyes shining and skin trembling in anticipation. Soon... very soon...

It's hard to share what's so easy

Today I had the opportunity to once again help a friend study to take the GED.  This time the subject was math, which is one of my favorite things.  Math is so easy for me, and without even thinking I automatically translate many things into shapes, patterns and equations.

But trying to teach it to someone to whom math is not a favorite thing, but a source of utter confusion and frustration is a different subject entirely.  I mean I can look at a problem and instantly know the answer, often without even thinking.  But to break it down into steps, and explain why we do those steps a certain way - well that's a challenge!

It got me thinking about so many other things that are so easy to me and so hard for other people.  And vice versa, there are things that are near impossible to me that others find so insanely easy they can't understand why I don't get it. 

It's always easy once you know how to do it, but until that moment it can appear impossible.

So while helping my friend, I remember to slow down and have patience, reviewing the same material as many times and in as many different ways as it takes until he gets it.  I also remember to chunk it down, and take breaks when I see the signs he's at his limit.  And above all I make it fun.  Well as fun as I can.  The more we can relate it to real life and the more fun it is the easier it gets.  And I think its working. We'll see how he does on the test in a couple weeks!

In the rain forest

I woke up this morning in the rain forest with tribal music surrounding me and a Shaman chanting in the distance.  It felt deliciously wonderful and I allowed myself to just be - drifting in and out of sleep as I enjoyed the moment.

Finally I opened my eyes and was surprised to find myself in my apartment.  It was raining outside, and the wind was blowing in just the right places to sound like music, and even Shamanic chanting.

I've been experiencing a lot of these reality shifts lately, which I hope are foretelling an imminent shift into a new way of being in my outer world.  While it may seem like a bunch of mind games, I don't believe it is.  I think consciousness can and does shift often between the many facets of reality, and by being open we can become aware of them and bear witness to our own life changing before our very eyes.

Cynthia Sue Lawson, who's work I've followed for a long time, writes and teaches about this.  You can find out more information at her website: www.RealityShifters.com.

Modern relationships: Are they supposed to be "forever?"

Right after I got divorced, I met this guy and for a while we became pretty good friends.  He had a view on relationships that was radically different than my own and I have to admit I was both intrigued and a little put-off by his stance.

What he believed was that humans are not supposed to have one partner forever and that trying to fit into that archaic model is what causes a lot of problems in the world today.  His reasoning was that lifetime marriage was invented at a time when (a) people died at a much younger age and (b) life was physically a lot harder so it literally took a family (the larger the better) to take care of the necessities.  He also believed in playing the field - a lot - because he said you can't know what you want in a partnership until you try lots of models. 

I'm not going to get into the rightness or wrongness of his thinking because it doesn't matter.  That's what he believed and that's how he lived and though I sensed he wasn't as happy as he let on I have to admit he sure seemed to have a lot more fun than me.

Anyway, fast forward to the present.  I ran into him about a week ago and it was nice to catch up a little.  He asked me about my search for "Mr. Right," and I told him where I'm at with that, and then I asked if he's still out "dazzling women with his charm and prowess."  Yeah he said that once so I had to throw it back at him :)

Well he grins at me sheepishly as he tells me he has a sweet woman and he's very much in love and plans to stay with her forever.  Forever?  Who is this man?!!!  Yup, apparently monogamy is alive and well in the world of this former playboy and words like commitment and forever are now a part of his everyday vocabulary and a staple in his life.

At first glance you might think he found his soul mate and she totally changed his outlook.  And that could be.  But I suspect it's the other way around.  I think something in him changed until he was finally open to someone he could be with for the duration.

But I also think that in another 5 years he may be calling me to tell me he's on the market again.  Oh I hope not but one thing I've realized is that no matter what we want to believe circumstances change, beliefs shift, and people come in and out of our lives.

Which is why I don't believe in "forever" anymore.   Yes, I believe in long term, commitment, monogamy, and perhaps even marriage in some circumstances.  But I know also know that I need to hold my beloved with an open hand and appreciate the time we have forever because - well because it may not be forever.

Thoughts anyone?

Was I dreaming?

So last week I had a dream, and it seemed really important and significant.  I woke up abruptly with a strong urge to call my daughter and tell her about it.  So I called her and we talked and I explained all the details of the dream and did a bang up job of interpreting it's symbolism and spiritual meaning.  I was quite impressed with myself actually, as I knew I'd nailed it.

And then I woke up for real.

That's right - I'd actually dreamed that I woken up and called my daughter and interpreted my dream to her.  Ha!

This doesn't happen to me often but when it does I find it interesting how real these dreams are.  I mean when I called her I could actually feel the phone against my ear, hear her words, and even smell the room around me.  Every detail was perfect, and it was in full color and 3-D.  I had absolutely no idea I was dreaming until I woke up for the "second" time.

In fact after I woke up, I considered for a moment if I was actually still in the dream.  But I wasn't so it was all good :)

This ever happen to you?  Would love to hear similar accounts.;

The other side of the fence

I was taking a walk yesterday afternoon - nice day for a walk by the way, sunny and mid 50's - and thinking about life and where I'm heading.

When I walk and think I tend to turn my focus inward, often walking with my eyes almost shut.  Don't know how I can do that, or how I never seem to run into anything or trip over uneven sidewalks.  But I can.

Anyway, as I was reflecting on my life I realized that a big reason I'm not moving ahead in certain areas is because I don't know what I'm moving ahead too.  I mean give me a direction already and I'll be happy to head there!

So I continue walking and kind of complaining to myself about not knowing how to get from where I am to where I want to be and that's when I noticed the fence.  It struck me as the perfect metaphor for where my thoughts were.  See here's my life now and on the other side of the fence is this other life that I know is better, freer, more relaxed, peaceful, and much happier.  But I can't get to it because of the fence.  I can see it through the slats, and oh boy do I want to go there!  But the fence seems to go on forever and I can't seem to find a gate.

As I'm pondering this, I remember movie The Labyrinth from the 80's.  Did you see it?  If not you should.  It's a really good one.  Anyway, there's a scene in that movie, right after Sarah enters the Labryinth, when she keeps running and running along a path that never ends.  Exhausted and thoroughly frustrated, she finally stops and starts banging on the wall, desperate for something to happen.  A worm starts talking to her and tells her "things are not always what they seem." Then he directs her to a very well camouflaged opening in the opposite wall, and she is able to continue her journey.

I feel like Sarah sometimes, and I wonder if there are openings right in front of me that I'm not seeing.  Unfortunately, no worm has appeared to direct me through the unseen gate, so I'm still running along a seemingly endless fence, getting frustrated because I haven't yet found a way to the other side.

But I know I will :-)

What a difference a day makes

It's amazing how 24 hours can completely change your outlook!  Yesterday, and the day before too I was feeling a bit "off."  I had a headache which almost never happens in my world, and was feeling quite frustrated about money and how to make peace with it.

This morning I woke up feeling completely different.  My headache is gone, I have peace around money (not a penny more to my name but I'm ok with that), and my outlook is pretty - no, VERY - good!

I think it's because yesterday I tied up some loose ends and addressed some issues I'd been avoiding.  Though it wasn't fun at the time and actually amplified my already funky mood, the feeling of release that came once I was done was amazing!

I wanted to share this as a reminder that avoidance brings energy down, and will eventually stymie you all together.  By the way, if you're a procrastinator like I am, a good book for you is Eat That Frog by Brian Tracy.  It's got lots of practical advice on how to get things done so you can get positive energy flowing in your life once again.

True confessions.... My relationship with money

I have an admission to make: 

Money and I are not on the best of terms.  In fact its more like a really bad marriage.  I mean... I like my ex husband more than I like money.

There, I said it.

And predictably, every time I have to deal with money I shut down.  I mean why would you want to deal with someone you hate, right?

The result is that I've lived in poverty most of my adult life, and continue to do so now.  It's not that I don't like working.  I love working, especially when I'm interested in a project.  But try to pay me and something weird happens.  I feel all icky inside and lose all desire to do the work.  In fact I physically shut down and can't do the work.  You may not believe this but people who know me have seen it happen over and over again and they'll verify it's true.


And it sucks!

I mean I have to have "some" money, right? And to do the things I want to do I have to have a fair amount, plus I have to have more coming in on a regular basis.  But if I can't somehow make peace with money and learn to get along then it's never going to happen.

This hit me pretty hard earlier today as I was thinking about my dreams and realized that if I don't get off my duff they won't happen.  I actually cried for a while, but for the life of me I don't know what to do about it.

I've already tried a lot of things to help me have a better relationship with money.  I've read tons of books, done hypnosis, undergone all sorts of therapies, done self-improvement stuff, tried healing and energy work, participated in shamanic journeys and ceremonies, prayed, meditated, worked with several coaches, made dream boards, got my apartment all feng shui'd up, and even bought lottery tickets (hey, it could happen).

But nothing so far has really changed things for me.  In fact January marked my lowest income month in over two years.  And I didn't even care.  I just took money out of the savings account to cover the bills and said "oh well."

But I'll be damned if I'm going to spend another year here, still doing what I'm doing and not getting anywhere.  Something has to change and in a big way!

I just don't know.....

Taking a day off

I had stuff I was supposed to do today.  Lot's of stuff.  But I didn't do any of it.  Instead I took the day off, doing absolutely nothing.

Well, not nothing.   I did a lot of thinking, caught up on some e-mails, talked to a few friends, cooked some good food, and took several - yes several - naps. 

I think it's important for everyone to take time off sometimes, especially if they can finagle it in the middle of the week when no-one's around but them.  Off time coupled with alone time. Ahhh..........paradise!

On the Jukebox - Love Songs for Valentine's Day

Thought I'd share a few of my favorite love songs today.  Love, inspiration, feel good stuff....

Youtube links for all of them.... enjoy!

Almost Unreal - Roxette - One of my favorite bands ever!  I haven't found anything of theirs I don't like.

Rock Me Gently - Andy Kim - I'd forgotten about this song until the Oldies station started playing it over and over.  Ah the 70s....

Fly With Me - Not sure who sings this but it's one of my favorite songs.  Not strictly a love song but more about how two people can soar together.  Beautiful!

Take My Life - Sarah Brightman - I love her stuff, especially when she sings in her "non soprano" voice.  This is about a woman ready for love.

Painted Desert Serenade - Joshua Kadison - As my friend says, "great geriatric love song."  Ha!  It's nice to know that the older generation can find and enjoy love :)

Greatest Love Of All - Whitney Houston - Of course we needed a Whitney song!  What a great reminder to love yourself!

Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden - Always did like this song.  Doesn't every one want someone who feels that way about them?

Joyride - Roxette - For those of you who just don't get it... time to wake up!  First line says it all.

When Did You Fall In Love with Me? - Chris Rice - For the guys who still don't get it :-)

I Believe in You - Bette Midler - Several people have recorded this song but this is my favorite version.  It's nice to have someone to believe in you.

When You Say Nothing At All - Alison Krauss - It's the actions, not the words. 

Ok that's all of them.  Off the top of my head, that is.  I'm sure I could come up with at least 50 more if I wanted to.  Well I did leave one out.... Sittin' on Go by Bryan White.  I love that song but couldn't find a decent video of it.  So you'll have to wonder about that one :)

By the way feel free to post your own favorites in the comments!

RV Budget

One of the big reasons - ok the only reason - I'm not out on the road yet with my fellow RVer's is lack of funds.  Too bad that million dollar bill stuck up on my wall isn't spendable!

Anyway, I decided yesterday that it's time to figure out exactly how much money I need to comfortably fund my RV lifestyle.  I know that some people get by on less than $1,000 a month and for living expenses I can certainly do that too.  Heck, I'm close to that already and if I didn't have a car payment I'd definitely be there.

But if I'm honest with myself, $1,000 a month isn't enough for my comfort zone.  I need to be able to put money in savings and also start funding that retirement account I've been neglecting the past few years.  Plus I have to save money for the dreaded "T."  You know - taxes - Ugh!

So all told I need about $2,500 a month or about $30,000 a year to live comfortably on the road. 

Of course mileage may vary and I may find that I need far less than that.  But hey, that's more money for the old savings account.  Gotta love savings :)

So translated, $30k a year comes to $82.19 per day, assuming of course money comes in every single day.  If I count weekdays only then it's $115.38 a day.  Hmm... that should be doable.  Don't you think?

Its all about perception

Last night while sitting in meditation it occurred to me that if things aren't turning out the way I want them to then perhaps it's because I'm not really seeing things as they are.

This sent me on a little mind trip, as I started pondering things like:

• What if my body really wants to be a size 2 but I'm not seeing or understanding what it needs to get there?  
• What if my thyroid wants to be healed and the solution is obvious but I'm not seeing it?  
• What if a certain person wants to get closer to me but my own expectations are clouding reality, and I can't see them reaching out?  
• What if the money I need to do some of the things I want to do is right in front of my nose but I'm completely overlooking it because my focus is elsewhere?
• What if the perfect work - work I love and that rewards me financially - is already in my life but I discount it as frivolous, uninteresting, or incapable of supporting me?
• What if the perfect relationship is right in front of my face but I can't see that he's interested because he isn't acting how "I" think interested parties should act?
• What if the RV I want is already available, already for sale at a price I can afford now, but invisible to me because I'm not ready?
• What if the idea that I need to keep doing my current work is an illusion, and that illusion is keeping me from seeing the more fulfilling and lucrative work that's right in front of me?

I've often said that life is about perception.  I want to clarify that.  Life is.  Reality is.  That part is simple and it's fact.  What is perception (and what messes us up) is our ability to see and interpret reality.  This is why you and I can look at the exact same thing and see something different.

This is why our experience is different.  We all see things differently and act according to what we see and our interpretation of that.

So if life isn't working - if we're not getting what we want - then perhaps it's because we need to change our perception.

That's what I'm working on this week.  Changing my perception and seeing things differently.  I'm doing this by playing the "what if" game and allowing new ideas, insights and thoughts to drift into my conscious mind. 

It's fun, exciting, and I'm delighting in all the new ways of seeing old things.  Very cool stuff, even mind-blowing at times!  Try it and let me know what new conclusions you reach and how your life is better for it.

Snowy roads

Yesterday it snowed.  Not a lot by many standards but still enough to go slip-sliding down some country roads.

As I left my house I thought "hey, this isn't so bad..."

 

Because it wasn't.  Now don't get me wrong... the temperatures were COLD!  Brrrrrr!  I think the high yesterday was 20ish and today I'm still kinda afraid to check the weather.  I can see the sun out my window and I'm thinking hmmm.... maybe I can pretend it's 50 or so :-)

So as I'm driving toward my destination about an hour away (see now this is why I need that RV - I could have just stayed there!), I started to see this...

You can't tell from the picture but that's snow drifting across the road.  The wind was pretty strong and at times the visibility was practically nil.  Not too bad in this shot though.

So I get to where I'm going, pick up my friend, and we head to town (her town) for dinner.  This is what we encountered just a couple miles from her house...

Completely covered with snow, and nice and slippery too!  I didn't slide too much but it was fun when I did :)  Good thing we were virtually the only people on the road too because I drove right down the middle!  There were lots of spots it was near impossible to tell where the road ended and the fields began.

Driving home later was even more fun, as it was getting dark, I couldn't see the slick spots too far ahead, and the headlights from oncoming cars were blinding.  Plus it had started snowing again.  Fun times!

I was glad I got out though.  Had a really nice time.  

And I have made a decision too.

No matter how much I love my friends, I'm not living in snow covered regions next year.  They'll just have to wait until I swing by in the summer.

That was easy!

<== Remember this?  When they first came out I thought they were so cool I bought them for all my friends!  Why?  Because they're such a great reminder.

In my experience most things are as easy or hard as we think they are.  When I was young I was the queen of easy.  No.......... not THAT kind of easy!

No matter what I took on, I always approached it with the attitude "that's easy." And it worked too.  By the time I was 22 I was running my own business, and looking back I see what a huge responsibility that was.  But at the time I just said "that's easy" and went about learning what I needed to know and doing what I needed to do.

Somewhere along the way I lost that attitude, until I found myself saying "that's hard" all the time.  And guess what.  Life became hard.

Then Staples came out with the Easy Button, reminding me of how it's supposed to be.  And with that reminder life began to get easy again.  And it's been getting better ever since.  Cool huh?

So here's the lesson for today:  Start telling yourself "that's easy."  Say it often.  Say it with conviction!  The more you say it the more you'll believe it.  And the more you believe it the more you'll experience it.

And if you need your very own easy button, get it here.  Such a small investment toward making your life oh so much easier!

Paleo Update - Three Month Review

Ok so this is a little late.  Actually I forgot all about it but since this is the first full quarter of paleo living I thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and do the update.  After this I'll probably go to quarterly updates. Unless something spectacular happens in which case you'll be the first to know!

If you've been following along you know that I started eating paleo around the middle of October, then fully committed on Halloween.  Looking back it strikes me as funny that's I'd commit to eating paleo on a day that's all about the candy :^)

The first month was pretty easy, and I was pleased that I'd gotten right in the groove with no problems at all.  Took that as a sign I was on the right track. Month two was pretty easy too, though I was disappointed that I hadn't lost significant weight.  I mean you'd think with cutting out all sugar and junk food along with most carbs, the pounds would be falling off.  Yeah it was the holidays but really I didn't indulge in holiday treats.  So I ended month two a mere 3 pounds lighter than I'd started.  3 pounds in two months - nothing to write home about.

So now we come to month three, which was January.  After doing some research, I decided to go off dairy for a month.  I'd read that for women especially, eliminating dairy can mean the difference between losing weight or not.   So after the last of the cheese and cream were gone I was done with dairy.  That was on January 10th and since then, except for a few small amounts of half-and-half in my coffee when I was out, I've been dairy free.

So how did the month pan out?  Here are the details:

What I learned

• I learned that I can live without dairy.  Frankly I was worried about this as I ate a lot of cheese and went through a fair amount of cream too.  The cheese was easy enough to skip but cream was another story.  I couldn't deal with black coffee at all and I really liked putting cream on my blueberries.  Then I discovered coconut cream, which is really good!  In fact even if I go back to regular cream at some point, I'll still keep coconut cream in the fridge too.
• I'm not sure if it was the dairy or not, but the last 4 weeks have seen a decrease on the scale.  About 5 pounds in fact.  And my clothes are a little looser too, which all points to steps in the right direction.  Woo Hoo!  Let's see what the next month brings.
• Too many berries = sugar cravings. Since right after Christmas I'd been berry crazed!  I couldn't get enough of the things and seriously - I way over did it.  Toward the end I noticed I was craving sugar, something I hadn't done at all since going paleo.  Finally I had to quit cold turkey because I just couldn't eat them in moderation.  So for the last couple weeks I've been berry free, and the sugar cravings are slowly subsiding.  I'll be glad when they're gone again entirely.
• My taste in food has changed.  I've been digging chicken more and beef less, and eating more salads as opposed to cooked vegetables.  Not sure why but I'm going with it.  I assume the pendulum will swing the other way soon enough.

How I feel

• I've had a lot of emotional ups and downs this past month, so I'm not sure I can fairly say how paleo eating has affected my body.  I do know that it's a lot less forgiving when I eat the wrong things, don't get enough sleep or overextend myself. But is that a bad thing?  I don't think so.  I'm glad my body is sending such strong signals when it's not happy about something I'm doing.
• I've had minor but annoying digestive problems.  This has been an ongoing issue since I went paleo but I thought it would straighten itself out once my body adjusted.  Not yet.  In fact it's gotten much worse.  A friend told me it can take 6-9 months for the gut to heal when you start eating right. And she gave me some pointers that I think will be helpful.  So I'm hanging in there, but I can't say I'm always comfortable or happy about it..... grrrrr!
• On the up-side my hair is growing back in!  It's a LOT thicker than it was and I look forward to it getting even thicker and healthier.  My nails are stronger too, and seem to be growing faster. 

What surprised me

• I think the biggest surprise is the sugar cravings.  I would have expected them the first month, not the third.  But then I wasn't berry crazed in the beginning :-)  In the same vein, it surprised me that going off the wagon didn't seem to affect my weight, and actually made me feel great!  I thought that huge cookie would make my stomach feel queasy and give me a sugar rush but it didn't.  I felt really good the rest of the day.   Maybe because the sugar gremlins in me were temporarily satisfied.
• The idea of junk food really turns me off.  In the beginning of this paleo adventure I'd stop for gas and consider getting a soda.  Or the bakery section of the grocery store would lure me over to window shop. Not any more.  Now even thinking about junk food (or anything processed for that matter) makes me think "yuk" so I have no problem skipping it all together.  I don't even blink an eyelash.  Not even at a social gatherings where food's just there for the taking, .  Well.... chocolate excepted.  Every once in a while that still gets me.

So where do I go from here?

Onward!

I'm really enjoying paleo eating and I know it's helping my body get healthier and stronger.  Sure there are times I get impatient and wish things would go a little faster.  But then I remember it took me over 20 years to get to where I am now and to expect to get back to that in just a few short months is just silly.

So I'm keeping at it, happy with the results so far and looking forward to even greater progress in the months ahead!

Play Time!

The other day I read a blog post from my friend Brian on playing around and it got me to thinking about my own life, and how much I love just goofing off and yes, playing!

So last night after my haircut, I ate dinner at my friend's house then had the opportunity to hang out and play with her son.  We had such fun!  We made a ramp out of cardboard and raced cars, then trains down it, hid under the ramp where no one could find us, made funny hats out of pillows, stuffed animals and buckets, hid cars in our pockets, and all sorts of other silly things that had us both giggling hysterically!

He even learned to slide face first off the couch into a pile of pillows.  Pretty smart kid too.  At not quite 3 he figured out all by himself that pillows make the floor a lot softer!  But shhh.... don't tell his mom :p

Anyway, on the way home I was listening to some good tunes and smiling about what fun I'd had when I started thinking about Brian's post and how I'd commented that as a kid I had no problem being responsible AND finding time to play.  What happened to that?  Why do many adults forgo belly jiggling giggles for responsibility and more "adult" activities? 

I don't.  Not anymore.  My new mantra is "if I'm not smiling or outright laughing I'm doing something wrong!"

And even as I type these words I'm smiling...

Flashback to the 70s

If you grew up in the 70's like I did you'll love this song.  Not because it's a great song but because the video has so many cool 70's type references in it.  Check it out - and prepare to pause often and laugh a lot :)

Time for a haircut

So today my friend forced, er - talked me into, getting a haircut!  Now I'm not one of those girly girls.  I don't even know how to be one of those girly girls.  And quite frankly, that's cool with me.

I'd much rather play in dirt, swim in a river, or chill in 95 degree weather (is that an oxymoron or what) than sit in the shade worrying about ruining my perfectly coiffed 'do and flawless makeup.

But she was right.  I needed a haircut.  See last spring I'd subjected myself to a ridiculously low calorie, nutrient deprived diet and it took its toll on my body.  Oh I lost the weight all right.  Over 50 pounds actually.  But my health suffered and that included losing a good portion of my hair.  And I mean a GOOD portion... I was beginning to look like a chemo patient. (Hint - learn proper nutrition and forget the fad diets!)

Anyway, after finally gaining some sense and eating normally again my hair stopped falling out, and after going paleo in last fall it actually started growing back in.  Yay!

So now, here I was with thick hair on the top and very thin hair on the bottom.  Looked funny.  So today my friend kidnaps me, stuffs me in her car, and whisks me away to her friend at the salon where they tied me down and proceeded to try and make me look semi-normal again!

Ok, I'm exaggerating.  Though I like my hair on the long side (wish it would get really long in fact) I had to admit it needed to be shaped up.  So I went and got it done and here it is.

Lot shorter than it was at the end of December, huh?

Awww... it will grow back. At least I hope it does!  Now if I could just do something about getting old.  Sigh. Until last year people guessed me in my late 30's, early 40's at best.  Now I feel like my age has caught up with me.  Paradoxically,  a lot of that is because of the weight loss.  When I was heavy I looked heavy - but - all the sags and wrinkles were nicely filled out and smoothed over with fat.  So though my body is getting back to a much healthier size, well those wrinkles and sags are showing.

I guess I could start using all those lotions and potions, wearing makeup, and all that.  But hey, why pretend to be something I'm not?  I'd rather be who I am and if people don't like that then I don't really care.  And I know my real friends won't either.  I'll just start telling myself the wrinkles are "wisdom lines."  Yeah that's it :-D

Business tours - I spotted a PINK HIPPO!

Welcome to Lebanon, Ohio - home of the Pink Hippo!  This really cool store is owned by my friend and former boss, Jo Wise and she does an absolutely amazing job of taking old, mostly trashed stuff and making them beautiful.  As the sign says, she has several services...

But her real talent is taking old, broken down furniture - you know, the stuff you throw away - and making it look so cool you want to spend your life savings on it.

Her store is at 15 North Broadway in Lebanon, Ohio (that's on the main drag folks).  Let's go inside and take a look around...

 

This chest of drawers is one of Jo's favorites.  It's unique in that it has a closet built right in and as a side note, I actually had something similar as a young girl.  This piece, like many things in the store, is restored specifically to look a bit worn.  Jo jokes that she takes something that's beat up and beats it up even more to make it look cooler! She sure did a good job with this one.

Here's a tea table she's going to be working on soon.  It's one of her favorite pieces and she's been thinking about just the right way to restore it.  Which is why it isn't finished yet.  Or is it?  Hmm.... what do you think?

.

I just love the finish on this small chest of drawers.  I guess it could be used as a night stand.  This is a beautifully finished piece, and is quite a contrast from the "beat up" look of some of the other things in the store.  Both styles are uber-cool.  Just a matter of personal preference.  Oh and the coffee table underneath is cool too.  Has a really neat design on the top.  You'll have to stop by and see it when you're in the area.

Finally we have this collection of tables, a desk, shelf, and other random stuff.  The Pink Hippo has such variety and so many interesting things to look at I could have been taking pictures all day long!

At home with new eyes

I follow a good number of bloggers who travel all over the country, sharing pictures of the beautiful things they see along the way.  Since I'm here in Cincinnati (for the time being), I often feel like I just don't have anything cool to share.  After all I've been here my whole life and it all looks the same to me.

Anyway, today I decided to change that.  I'm going to start looking at my hometown with new eyes and who knows... maybe I'll find a few cool things I didn't even know existed!

Here are some shots from around town this afternoon.

Crossing the bridge to Kentucky to visit a friend.

 

 Apparently in Kentucky they carry guard rails with

them instead of putting them on the side of the road.

 

Heading back into Cincinnati on I71-75 North.

Terrible picture of the skyline but hey I was going 70ish.

Gray day in Cincinnati huh?  Seems like they're all like that lately.

  

Heading back home... there's my exit!

 

 I must have driven by this building a thousand

times but never really noticed it until today.

 

This building I always notice.  Reminds me of some 70's retro thing and I like it :)

 

That's it.  And tomorrow I get to go back to Kentucky again. Woo Hoo!  Let's see what other (hopefully more interesting) stuff I can find.

Where am I?

This morning I woke up with weirdest sensation I was somewhere else.  I was awake but hadn't opened my eyes yet, and everything felt different.  I mean I knew I was in my bed, but the atmosphere, smells, sounds and even the feel of the covers on my body were all different.  Like I was in my bed, but my bed was somewhere else.

It was a strange sensation, but familiar and delightful too and I could have stayed there a long time.  Then I opened my eyes and was actually startled to find myself in my bedroom.  I mean my bedroom of "now" rather than that wonderful place I'd just been in.

This has been happening a lot lately.  I've been sitting at the computer and kind of zone for a moment to find the room change and I feel as though I'm sitting where my computer was, rather than where it is now.  Once I even got up and walked into the wall, thinking a doorway was there.

All around me reality appears to be shifting and I find myself morphing back and forth between different levels of awareness. It's quite fascinating.  And no, I'm not crazy.

And not terribly worried either.  I'm just enjoying all the perceptions and experiences life is offering me, and know that what I experienced this morning is a taste of what's coming into my life very soon.  Because this morning I didn't wake up in my apartment, or any apartment for that matter.  I woke up in my RV, somewhere out in the woods with birds chirping and squirrels scampering around and water running in the distance.  Very cool preview of things to come :-)

I can't get it out of my head!

For the past week or so this song has been in my head, playing over and over and over and.....

Arggg!!!!!

I call it my happy song because every time I'm happy it pops in my head and just keeps going.  And I've been happy A LOT lately!  But still, would be nice to get a break now and then.

Want to know what it is? You'll have to go here and listen for yourself :)

My happy song (click the link then scroll down to the bottom of the page to play it)

And special thanks to the awesome musician who wrote it!

Yes, I'm goofy ;^)

I've been taking myself way too seriously lately!

To be certain I've been doing a lot of heavy thinking and studying some pretty profound and deep stuff but really - serious just ain't who I am.

I'm usually silly, downright goofy even, as any of my friends will tell you.  Heck just last week I was at a friend's house giggling so hard there were tears in my eyes.  I'm always making little comments, cracking jokes, and goofing off.

Life is better that way, when I'm not so serious.  I'm happier, have more fun, and I'm much nicer to be around too.  The other day I was on the phone with a friend who said "I really like silly Maria, you should let her out more often!"

He's right. Why don't I let her out more often?  Because life is hard and serious?  Because some people just can't handle silly? Because sometimes you have to put kidding aside and get down to business?  Because things like work and money and health are serious subjects?

Who knows.  And who cares!  I can do everything I want to do and still have fun doing it.  I can talk seriously about issues like health and money while still being lighthearted about it.

So there you have it.  I'm done being serious!  Let the silliness commence :-)

I'm so glad I graduated high school!

Earlier today I got to help someone who is studying to take the GED test.  You know, the test you take if you didn't get a high school diploma. 

Very nice young man and smart too, but he's been away from school long enough to have forgotten all the stuff they teach you.  And guess what - so have I!  It's sad to say that if I had to take the GED test today I'd fail miserably.  Not because I'm not smart but because I just don't remember all the rules of grammar, dates in history, state capitols, and technical names for all the body parts.  So yeah I'd bomb big time. Hmmmm.... I wonder if they'd take away my diploma for that :p

Anyway, we were studying math and I love math!  Playing with fractions, angles, functions and graphs was so much fun.  As was working out word problems.  But the most fun was helping someone else and seeing his face light up as the information clicked.  I hope I get to help again, as he continues to prepare.

And it reminds me how much I really enjoy helping people in general.  Not long term (as in I wouldn't want to be a teacher on a daily basis) but for short term, specific projects.  Maybe that's why I like helping people understand the technical side of business, how to better use their computers, or how to do a myriad of other things.  I love seeing others get all excited when they "get it!"

Hmm... how can I get more of that in my life?  Another cool thing to ponder :-)

Classical music at a convenience store of all places

I stopped at UDF today (Ohio's version of a convenience store) and as I got out of my car I was greeted by the sound of classical music being piped into the parking lot.

Now I thought that was pretty cool, first because I don't remember hearing that type of music being played at a convenience store and second because, given the part of town I was in, I didn't think that would be the first choice.

So I get my stuff (water people - I'm still doing the paleo thing even at convenience stores), and as I'm checking out I comment on the music.

The girl tells me that everyone hates it and they play it to discourage loitering.  Ha!

So chuckling, I tell her it makes me WANT to loiter.  She laughs, and as I drive away, the tune still playing in  my head, it makes me realize that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder and if you just pay attention you can find it all around you.

Hmmm.... I might just go back tonight and loiter a bit.  I wonder what they'll think of my explanation when they ask me to move on?

New interest or "your" interest?

So earlier today I talked about getting derailed, and that's a rather tricky thing to figure out sometimes.

Here's a typical scenario:

You meet someone new and you like them and all of a sudden you find yourself picking up on some of their interests.  For instance, you have a new friend and one day wake up to find yourself playing golf - something you had no interest in before.

Is it because that person sparked a new interest in you?  Or because you're interested in that person and want to hang out in their world?

Hard to tell sometimes, huh?

Now there's nothing wrong with new interests.  I wouldn't do half the things I do if someone hadn't introduced me to them in the first place.  But the danger occurs when you let your feelings for someone influence your likes and dislikes, setting aside what you want in favor of doing their thing.

I'm bringing this up because I've done way more of this that I'd like to admit.  Usually it's because of some romantic interest, like when I took up bowling for a man or tried to love fishing for another man.  Changed my taste in music for my ex husband, and for another man I even found myself watching TV - and I hate TV!

It's not just romantic interests either.  Even with friends I've found myself going to movies I didn't want to see, eating at places I don't like, shopping and even buying clothes that aren't my style, getting roped into business projects I don't want to do, and a couple years ago I almost went on vacation somewhere I didn't want to go.  All because I get so caught up in my friends I start to lose myself.

Since I know this about myself, I've been taking a lot greater care to stop and think before jumping on some new bandwagon.  This came up over the weekend as I pondered my whole idea about moving into a RV.  Do I want to do this because it's a really cool way to live and something that is what "I" want?  Or because I've met some really cool people who are doing it and I want to jump on board with them?

This was a great exercise in clarity for me!  After thinking about it for many hours over several days, I realized that I've been thinking about a nomadic life ever since my marriage ended over 6 years ago.  The only new part was the idea of an RV.  Prior to that I'd pictured myself traveling around visiting friends.  Plus I realized that while I've met many cool fulltimers through blogs, websites and forums, and even in person, one of the appeals of RV living is autonomy.  In other words, we all do our own thing and if our paths cross then cool - let's start a campfire and hang for a bit, swapping stories and sharing some great food and company.

So the moral of this story is that at least for me, I need to scrutinize sudden sparks of new interest closely, making sure it's something "I" want rather than someone else's bandwagon I'm just enamored with for the moment.

How I got derailed

Four months ago when I started this blog I had just experienced some things that were - well, life changing.  I had lots of energy and focus toward these changes and was quite excited about making things happen.

Then I got derailed.  Not derailed so much as diverted.  See I'm a very open person.  I'm always excited about new ideas and ways of looking at things so it's easy to go scampering down whatever new trail presents itself to me.

The cool thing about this is that I've been exposed to a LOT of different ways of seeing the world, all of which are fascinating.  It also allows me to be accepting of people no matter what their beliefs are.  Oh I may roll my eyes a bit but still - I've gotten quite good at meeting people where they are and seeing the value in how they approach life, even if I don't always agree with it.

On the down side though, I sometimes get so caught up in other people's stuff that my own gets lost.  This generally happens when I develop a personal relationship with someone - i.e. we're friends rather than mere acquaintances, and the result is that I too easily jump on their train rather than staying on my own.

I've done this a lot the last few months, jumping from one glittery and appealing philosophy to the next, and it did nothing but confuse the heck out of me.

Over the weekend though, all that changed.  With time to put everything else away and just BE ME, I was able to clear my thoughts and get back to the core of who I am and where I'm going.

Whew - I needed that!

Metamorphosis

The weekend has been nothing short of amazing.  I didn't go anywhere, didn't do anything particularly exciting, didn't win the lottery, didn't meet the man of my dreams, and didn't get any work done either.

In fact, on the surface it was a completely ordinary, somewhat boring, and deliciously lazy weekend.

On the outside.

Internally however - well that's a different story entirely!  I underwent a complete metamorphosis and emerged just a few minutes ago with a whole new attitude.  Rather an old one that's been in hiding for a long time.

Too complex to spell out here, but suffice to say the winds they are a changing.  In a good way.  Maria is back and she has attitude!

Onward :)

One of my favorite paleo vegetables

I absolutely love artichokes!  My mom used to make them on special occasions when we were kids, and every year for my birthday I requested steak and artichokes for dinner.

Artichokes are easy to make, have great flavor, and are fun to eat too!  Today I had two of them, and it's not even my birthday :-)

If you haven't had them before then I'd definitely try them at least once.  There are lots of recipes on the internet on how to cook artichokes, but me being me I keep it simple.  I cut the stems off so the bottoms are flat, then put in a pot with about an inch of water or so and let them boil until they're done.  I know they're done when I flip them over and prick with a fork.  If the fork goes in easily they're done.  How simple is that?

To eat artichokes you peel off individual leaves, dip in melted butter, and use your teeth to scrape the end of the leaf off.  You don't eat the whole leaf because the tips are tough, and also because they have thorns on them.  My mom always used to cut the tips of the leaves off before cooking, but I'm lazy so I just remember to not prick myself.

Once you get to the center you'll come to the choke.  An artichoke is a flower, actually a flower bud, and in the center is this fuzzy stuff that will cause all sorts of problems if you try to eat it.  Believe me I know - I've ingested some inadvertently and it really does tickle your throat to the point you feel like you're choking.  So don't eat it.  Instead, scrape it off with a spoon and then eat the middle of the artichoke, also called the heart.  Again dip it in melted butter.  Yummy!

By the way canned or frozen artichokes are nothing like the real thing so don't try to substitute. 

Try them and let me know how you like them.

Why I don't trust experts when it comes to healthy living

I first became interested in health some 20 years ago.  I was expecting my daughter at the time and devoured information on diet and nutrition so I could have the "healthiest baby ever."  Looking back I see how clueless I was, but at the time I thought I was doing great :)

Over the years I've studied and subscribed to many, many different "healthy" ways of eating.  I've done programs like Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem and the like, succumbed to the lure of tabloid fads, been in the Zone, hopped on the Atkins train, gone the macrobiotic route, ate for my blood type, ate according to my doshas, sacrificed my carnivorous ways on the altar of vegetarianism, went raw vegan for a while, and plenty of other things I can't remember.  And now I'm paleo, which at this stage of the game, feels right to me.

But what about the science behind it? Not just paleo living but all those other dietary plans I've tried over the years.  I mean I'm an intelligent person - would I really jump on board if the science behind these things wasn't sound?  And given the fact that there are so many different "right" ways to eat, how can the science support them all?

It's been my experience that in life this saying holds true:

You can always find evidence to support whatever you believe.

I don't remember where I first heard that, but it's served me well.  Any time someone starts espousing a belief that is vastly different than my own (whether it's healthy related or otherwise) and insisting that their way is the right way, I simply smile to myself and repeat that saying.

Now don't get me wrong.  I am way more open minded than most, and I love considering new theories and expanding my understanding.  But when someone starts telling me they're right and I'm wrong, or that they don't believe this or that when I'm pretty sure they haven't taken the time to consider it well - they lose credibility fast. 

So what does this have to do with healthy living?

It's been my experience that once a person decides that "this is the right way," they stop looking for alternatives and instead focus on evidence that supports their conclusions.

So a doctor who believes that vegetarian eating is best will focus on studies and data supporting that, largely ignoring things that lead to the opposite conclusion.  He'll take successes of patients who do well on this type of program as evidence that it works, and ignore the failures.  And this makes sense too.  Obviously the patients who are benefiting from his program will stick with it while those who don't will drift away to find something else.  So in his own office the patient results will be skewed toward success.

Additionally, he'll most likely read articles that support his theories, and may not even notice the ones that don't.  And he'll be interested in studies that support his work too, again ignoring those that don't.

In short he'll surround himself with evidence that his way is the right way, and every additional piece of information he collects will serve to confirm that.  Then of course when he writes his book - well it's going to be a very well written and researched work that solidly "proves" his plan is the best one.

Do you see the problem here?  This doctor believes what he's doing is right.  He's researched it.  He's taught it.  He's had results.  And now he's publishing a book that will be taken by many as fact.  But what he's missing is that the entire thing is skewed based on his narrow minded view of health.  It can't possibly be objective.

And that's one reason I don't buy into most of what the experts have to say.  I know how human nature is and I know that while they may believe it to be true - that belief may well be based on incomplete data and faulty conclusions.

So if I don't trust the experts, who do I trust?

Basically myself.  Yeah I do the research and try to sort out the facts from opinions.  And I take everything with a grain of salt because I know that people aren't objective.

And over the years I've developed an eating plan that works for me.  How do I know it works?

Well because I feel great, I'm slowly losing weight, people tell me I haven't looked so good in years, many of the health issues I used to have are gone... and did I say I feel great?

The bottom line is that if it improves my health and quality of life than it's the right plan for me.  And right now that's paleo.

But - and this is a big BUT - if this ever stops working I'm off the train.  I know that my body is constantly changing and what I need 10 years from now may be different than what I need today.  That's why I keep an open mind, am willing to consider alternatives, and make a point to keep exploring new possibilities.  It can only keep getting better and better :-)

Off the wagon

Well I finally cracked.  Yesterday marked my first major transgression since committing to paleo eating some 3 months ago.

I'd been having sugar cravings for well over a week.  Weird because I experienced none of that when I initially gave up sugar and grains last fall.  So why was it hitting me how?  Could it be all those blueberries I've been eating?  Some nutritional deficiency?  The dreams I've been having lately?

Who knows.

Anyway, I was taking a friend to her yoga class and we were early so we decided to stop at Panera for coffee.  Yeah I know - I said no coffee the other day but it sounded pretty good so I thought "one cup won't hurt me."  We get to the counter and my head says "1 small black coffee please" but out of my mouth comes "latte and chocolate chip cookie."  I swear my mouth - well it had a mouth of it's own in that moment!

As I sat there sipping the latte and eating the cookie I found myself wondering what the heck I was doing.  The cookie was ok - way too sweet - and the latte was good but not amazing.  But yet I couldn't stop myself.  It was as if I was watching and experiencing it at the same time.

So yeah.... drop the friend off at her class then drove home, reflecting on what had happened.  I fully expected to get a sugar rush.  Didn't happen.  I expected to feel slightly sick.  Didn't happen.  In fact I felt great the rest of the night.  Full of energy and happy!  I expected the scale to go up again.  It didn't. It went down over a pound.

So what's going on here?  Do I forgo my paleo ways in favor of cookies and lattes?  Seriously, though this transgression wasn't huge in the grand scheme of things I know how I am and can easily see myself falling down that slippery slope of junk food mania.  I'm on unstable ground here folks.... someone throw me a line!

Pondering Duality

Yesterday I wrote about a philosophical tug-of-war that is going on inside me.  This evening I spent some time pondering this more, and while doing so I had a vision that, while not providing the answers I seek, holds vital clues that I hope lead to insights in the near future.

The vision:

I was lying on the living room floor gazing up at the ceiling and as allowed myself to get lost in the pattern, my mind to slowed down until my thoughts faded out completely. Presently I lost awareness of the room around me and I found myself standing instead in an empty room.   

I waited patiently, knowing that something was about to happen.  Presently two men appeared, one to my left and the other to my right.  I knew them first by their energy patterns, then by their faces and identified them as friends.  We communicated without words, and they explained to me that they represent the duality of my mind.

On the left stood the man of reason, logic and rationality.  He is familiar to me and has been my friend, though I often feel somewhat disconnected and confused by him, which makes me sad.  As is his nature, he patiently and rationally explained his view of reality, and I understood and accepted it completely, as I saw the validity in his explanation.

Then I turned to the right, to the man of mysticism, feeling, and oneness.  He is also familiar to me and is a friend too, though in a different way.  He didn't try to explain anything but filled my entire being with emotion and the experience of oneness.  Through our interaction I expanded to fill the entire Universe, radiating light and love.  Once again I understood and accepted completely his view of reality as truth. 

Then a third man appeared, who I call my "shadow man" because I always seem him in shadow only so I don't know what he looks like.  He's been in my visions for a while now and though I haven't met him in the 3-D world yet, I know I will.  He stood directly in front of me, and as I looked on he caused the other two men to merge together into one being.  It was a beautiful thing to behold, and I witnessed it as psychedelic, with mystical patterns and colors swirling around while at the same time following precise mathematical equations and logical patterns.  I saw it as a perfect blending of the mystical and rational - a kind of merging of art and science. 

As the two merged completely I understood the message.  The answer - my answer at least - lies in understanding and embracing both views of reality.  Yes the world is rational and logical.  Yes we are thinking beings and creatures of reason.  At the same time we are more than mere humans.  We are divine beings who happen to be having a human experience in this moment.  We are perfect, eternal sparks of God - of all that is and we are one.  The TRUTH encompasses all of that, from the most mundane, logical, scientific description of reality to the most far out, mystical, abstract and most enlightened experiences humans are capable of.  It's all there.  All of it.  And it's all true.

With that realization my vision faded and I found myself once more in my living room, staring at the ceiling.

I have lot to consider.  And a lot more to study.  I'm excited to see where this takes me :)